Two Minute Screed              Essays That Matter
Comment If You Must

                                        KILL JAMES, YOU SAY?





Hey! This was amazing- and no one’s on this story? I read this in the “It Must Be True… I Read It In The Tabloids” section of The Week magazine:

A Florida family said their toddler’s Talking Elmo doll had an abrupt personality change and started threatening to kill him. Melissa Bowman says the cuddly Sesame Street character used to sing songs and talk about colors, to the delight of her 2-year-old son, James. After the batteries died and were changed, however, the doll would only say “Kill James” in a sinister cadence. “It’s not something that you would think would ever come out of a toy,” his mom said. 

Now, look—assuming this is true—can we agree that something is going on here? Something pretty darn strange has happened, and I think it ought to be looked into; it only needs somebody with a couple of hours and a minimum of investigative skills. I mean, if the doll is suddenly saying “Kill James,” then I think it’s elementary, dear reader, that the odds are scary long against such an occurrence happening completely by chance, that out of the unknown tens of thousands of Talking Elmo dolls produced, that one doll suddenly starts saying “Kill James,” and that one doll just happened to have been given to a boy named James. Are you with me?
  So if we eliminate pure happenstance—and we ought to—then who or what caused the change in the doll’s programming? And then I’d probably want to know why the message was changed to one that threatened to kill that little boy. Maybe it’s just me that’s bothered by this unexplored event, but we know that the programming changed, right? And when it changed, it had to happen either at a factory, most likely somewhere in Asia, at the store, or at the boy’s home. Someone had to do it, friends, and let’s agree that that was a freakin’ diabolical thing to do, to terrorize a two-year-old child. Of course, the kids not gonna hear it and wonder which James the doll’s talking about, he’s two years old and he’s gonna know the message is about him. If it happened at the factory, why only to one doll, and where did they get the guy who spoke English so well? And why would some anonymous jokester use “James”? Did it happen at the store? If it happened at home, then who did it and why? If someone were to investigate, I believe the perpetrator would be quickly un-masked, and we are likely to find either a stupid person perpetrating a stupid prank, or a very disturbed person committing an assault on a child, and that is a crime- and I thought it was a far more interesting story than anyone else did. Yo, anybody? Tabloids? TV Tabloids? Ezines? Police? Feds? 
Whoever did it, and whyever it was done, a child was terrorized. That was a crime, and I hope James’ life improves forthwith. If not, we’ll be hearing from him again- maybe in his teens or early twenties, and perhaps sooner from whoever altered the recording. I just don’t think we’ve heard the last from this family. You know, I’m just sayin’.